Analysis II 
Lonely, Tired, Lazy, Sad
User:Ashley (allsorts46)
location [?]:BH10 7HU
Music:Son Volt - Left a Slide
Sunday 30th of August, 2009
04:02 AM
This entry has been delayed far too long, and I don't mean that in the usual 'sorry it's been so long since I updated' way, but something more practical: feelings change over time, and my memory for such things isn't all that great anyway, so if this isn't written soon enough, it'll probably never get written, and I don't want it to be forgotten. It probably isn't going to be very coherent, and I wont bother very much with describing events, just my thoughts on them.

Why isn't important, but I spent a recent weekend (Friday to Monday) looking after Willow and Merlin as a favour for Adele after a previous arrangement was cancelled at short notice. It wasn't notable, there was nothing unusual about it at all. It was completely normal and familiar, which is insane because I haven't even been in the same room as a small child for months, and the last time I had any responsibility for one was over a year ago. Willow ran to me and hugged me as soon as I arrived. Maybe he does that to everybody, I have no way of knowing, but it felt special then. Merlin seemed happy with me too, though again, he's probably content to be held by anybody, so long as he's comfortable. I was worried that when Adele actually left, they would both eventually get tired of me and just want her back, and cry and be difficult to deal with. That didn't happen though. Willow did 'ask' a couple of times, but I told him Mummy would be back in two days, and he seemed to understand enough to be satisfied by that.

The first day I played with them in the flat and in the playground that's outside, but I didn't know the area well enough to feel okay with taking them much further. A solution to that was that Mum suggested my grandparents might like to meet Merlin, since they haven't yet and they live nearby. I'd mentioned it to Adele and she was okay with it, and for me it provided a convenient way to be able to take them outside and play in a garden, but still feel that I was somewhere safe. When I had talked to Adele about it earlier, we had discussed the 'normality' of taking them there. I hadn't really thought about it, but talking with Adele made me realise I do consider Merlin, and indeed my entire relationship with Adele, very private. Some part of me considers it normal that my parents and grandparents would have a desire to meet my son, but another part considers it none of their business. I somewhat dismissed the feeling at the time we were talking about it, but later, when actually in the taxi on the way to their house, it felt almost wrong. It passed, and actually I think everyone had a nice time in the end, but still I would categorise it as a 'day out' more than anything family-related.

Adele came back late Sunday night, and we ended up talking all morning instead of getting any sleep. About three hours passed standing in the kitchen, having a discussion about various social issues and my lack of useful opinions on them (I generally always have a view, but one I admit has no practical merit whatsoever), and Adele trying to poison me with out of date honey. Eventually I couldn't bare to stand in the kitchen any more, so we actually sat down, and talked about more personal things instead. I'm not sure what conclusion, if any, to draw from what was said - our realtionship is still somewhat of a mystery to me, because we both seem to not want to actually define it. My feelings on how I want things to be were pretty much settled when I visited the first time after Merlin was born; before then I'd not been able to predict how I'd feel about him or Adele. I'm still upset that she initially wanted to keep the fact that he'd even been born from me, and she still defends that decision. I'm aware of and understand her reasons, but I still disagree that she was justified. We never made any formal arrangements, and we have no intentions of making any. I'm happy with that, though I suspect that's only the case for as long as things stay like they are; I want a situation where Adele and I are friends, and spend time together, and I therefore spend time with the children as a result of that - I want the only reason that I see Adele, Willow and Merlin to be that Adele, Willow, Merlin and me mutually enjoy each other's company. We still disagree on many issues of 'rights', and such things, but I don't want any of that to come into it. However, it seems to be a constant reminder that this isn't stable, that all it could take is for her to get upset one day and she can change everything. Though I recognise the practical necessesity for most of these things, it can't help but seem unfair. All of this, led me to eventually realise (and actually communicate, surprisingly), that my greatest concern regarding Merlin is just that he should be able to form his own, completely independent opinions on what he wants from our relationship, and be free to act upon them. The problem with this right now, is obviously that he's only ten months old and not really capable of forming such opinions; once again my views have no practical relevence at all, but the principal is important to me.

Our discussion had no 'aim', but after I left Adele at the train station, I felt a strong feeling of something left unfinished, unresolved. I've spent the couple of weeks since then wanting to talk to her again, though I've no idea where I would begin. This is tied with the same feeling I always get whenever I visit, of how rediculously wrong it is that we ended up here, that we're not all still living together. On that subject, I was actually a little... disturbed by the apparent lack of that emotion from Adele this time, though I thought I might have seen it once. I suppose that our situations just change between times, but I can't help thinking that it may be because of my previous (lack of) responses, or because of Diana's feelings. The fact that I don't know has been bothering me since I left, and I want to talk about it.

It also reminds me of a conversation with Diana, about regrets of a past relationship, and the point that wishing things had been different isn't necessarily the opposite of being happy in the present. I do think that wishing a past relationship had been successful isn't mutually exclusive with wanting your current relationship to succeed. I'm happy with Diana, and I'm happy being friends with Adele, and the way things are... but I still feel a kind of sadness of a wasted possibility. I suppose what I should take from that is determination not to waste the potential future I have now with Diana... I'll certainly try not to...

Well, that was all the rambling I wanted to do. It wasn't really directed anywhere, because what I really want to do is talk privately with Diana, and with Adele. Still, these things have been on my mind for the last two weeks, and I didn't want to forget them; my mood is changing a little now - probably mostly because I'm leaving for Germany in less than twelve hours to finally see Diana again - and my ability to accurately recall these feelings (as in the way they feel, rather than just a description) is degrading. This is the same problem I have with leaving my diary for so long - I know everything that's happened since I last wrote, and I remember and have notes on a lot of what I was thinking at the time, but the way I felt in those moments is lost, and my account won't be the same because of that.

Just to point out, before I finish, that this entry is the friends-only one. My friends list consists only of the two safe types of people I mentioned before: either people who are close to me, or people who don't know me or any of my friends well enough to be a problem regardless, and nothing in between. I'll end by quoting a conversation I wanted to share when it happened over a year ago, but never did. Normal service will resume shortly...

This was just after Adele had left and Shanna had planned to come back, but before she had actually returned. Reproduced with permission :P

Atieh:I usually try to be good
Me:I think most of us try to be good but we are not
Me:But we are not veeery bad
Atieh:yes, most people are in average in everything
Atieh:dont you agree?
Me:"I lied because I did not want to hurt you"
Me:I think this is sooooooo stupid
Atieh:what is it?
Me:It is an excuse that people say
Me:For why they would lie to you
Atieh:excuses are stupid
Atieh:we say excuses to defend a wrong thing we've done
Atieh:and we'd say anything to make it better lol
Me:Some of us would
Me:I think we should admit that we suck
Me:It's better than excuses
Atieh:I sometimes wouldnt admit that
Atieh:I'd rather even lie sometimes than telling the truth and being in trouble :-?
Atieh:you dont ever pray, do you?
Me:Who would I pray to?
Atieh:what do you do when everything goes down and you are very depressed?
Me:Be depressed
Atieh:do you ever talk with yourself?? like whispering?
Me:Yeah, I have, sometimes
Me:And if I get very lonely and I feel like nobody cares, I think about my dæmon
Me:I think it can be similar sometimes :P
Atieh:and you talk to it?
Atieh:we know there are still some people who care but we think its stupid to say things to them
Atieh:or I am sometimes like this
Me:I am scared about what is happening now
Me:Like about Shanna and Adele :-s
Me:I think Adele proved to me that I am not good like I thought I was :-s
Me:And I miss some things about her
Me:And I am scared Shanna will still lie and lie and lie more
Atieh:I wonder why you never believed me
Me:What did you say that I should believe?
Atieh:Ashley Oliver: I think Adele proved to me that I am not good like I thought I was
Me:How did you prove it to me?
Atieh:I didnt prove it
Atieh:I kept telling it
Me:How did you tell it?
Atieh:never mind. lol
Me:I don't feel I am wrong
Me:I just feel disappointed about myself
Atieh:I didntget why you were in rush to be in a relationship after Shanna left you. and every time you talked about it I tried to be sarcastic. then you said you talk with someone... next time you said you have talked to them on the phone for n hourrs and I was surprised... then you said they are moving in with you,after a few months you said you are going to have a baby. while you hadn't even moved on yet!!!
Atieh:you said you wouldnt accept it if Shanna said she wants to comeback. but you did at first place
Atieh:I always thought you are the most stable person I have ever known. the one who would never break down
Me:I thought it too
Me:Now I suck like all other people
Me:Can I ever become stable again?
Me:Is it possible?
Me:How long does it take?
Me:And it's not possible to delete things you have done
Atieh:we cant be perfect all the time.
Atieh:I think we would get to know ourselves when we are having problems, big problems lol not when we are having a peacfull life
Atieh:I know you will. :d
Atieh:you should be stronger, try to delete those weaknesses
Atieh:you dont have anything to say

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