Whilst I was sleeping in this morning, I had a dream that Shanna wanted to come back to me, and I refused. I wanted her to apologise and she wouldn't. I was trying to speak to her sensibly about the things we'd have to agree to face, and she would only argue and try to pin them on me. So I walked away, and didn't feel like I was losing anything. I've really never felt like this before, she really has succeeded in destroying everything this time; last time she failed, and though I was serious about committing to somebody else, I still wished I could still have her. That's all gone now. I don't even find her attractive in the same way any more, which has surprised even me - I've always thought she was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen, right from the first time I saw her, but lately I've actually been consciously noticing that I don't feel the same. I think my physical and emotional appreciation for someone are very much connected. If I think of her now, all that comes to mind is a sexual desire, nothing emotional. I want her for pleasure, but I've no desire to share anything intimate, my satisfaction would not come from any kind of sharing, but would be purely physical. I've never felt that way about anybody, and indeed I've always wanted not to.
Anyway, other than feeling deprived of the sexual aspect, I'm feeling quite contented about everything. I felt a bit lonely whilst Graham was away, but spending time with him now, and my family over Christmas, has fixed that. I'm back on OkCupid again, but not in any hurry this time. Last time I was pressuring myself to prove that I could replace her, but now I know I can for two reasons: I've done it before, and I don't have residual feelings for her dragging me back. I do seem to have developed an obsession over My Favourite One, which is a bit silly, but it's harmless. I don't even know her real name (so if you were wondering who it was, if I know your name, it's not you).
Finally, one small thing I forgot to mention last time: I've decided to make a serious effort to learn Farsi. I took an interest some years ago, and Atieh taught me a few words and I practised writing a bit, but I want to give it a proper effort this time. I'm going to focus on learning the written language in the Latin alphabet, so I can for example hold an IM conversation with Atieh in her language. I'll leave learning the spoken form and the native written form for later (as much as I love the script - so pretty!). I'm planning to get a book to help me, when the financial situation has settled a bit (too much non-earning over Christmas) and I find a good one.